[edit] HETFET - News Release


(April 25)


By HETFET Exposé

Augustine Pharmaceuticals announced recently that they are launching a new line of anti-aging products which promise to do what was once thought impossible— reverse the aging process!

“I know it sounds hard to believe, but Augustine Pharmaceuticals has discovered the Fountain of Youth…” declared Constance Siry, Senior Marketing Director of Augustine, “…and its name is Uthyntrol.” Hailed as the anti-aging breakthrough of the century, the company claims that the wonder drug outperformed all other currently available products in an independent study conducted by leading scientists in the field.

Citing the need for confidentiality to keep their competitive edge, Augustine has thus far refused to divulge the active ingredients in their proprietary formula, but they claim the results can’t be denied. If there is any truth to their study, the experts tell us that Uthyntrol most likely works by affecting production of collagen, which is responsible for keeping skin healthy and line free. The normal human body begins to decrease production of collagen when it reaches around 30 years old, but it seems that Uthyntrol actually stimulates the body’s own collagen production, allowing tissue to regenerate at a pace beyond what’s seen in teenagers!

But not everyone is ready to jump on the Augustine bandwagon yet. A spokesperson for HETFET (Humans for the Ethical Treatment of Faeries, Elves and Trolls) has reportedly questioned Augustine’s business practices, citing inconsistencies in their data and unusual emissions emanating from the company’s sub-span Ohio plant. When asked about these accusations, Siry laughed them off, citing dozens of permits and inspections that have all passed city and federal evaluation. Yes, everything appears to be above board…but questions still remain.

Meanwhile, Augustine Pharmaceuticals has already begun mass production of the drug, pending FDA approval. And while they won’t say how much this elixir will cost, one thing is for certain: Uthyntrol is set to become the new heavyweight in the $40 billion anti-aging industry, no matter what HETFET, or any other group, has to say about it.