Revision as of 04:01, 19 May 2008

[edit] PIXIES IN PERIL

(April 28)

Inside a Fairy Factory Farm

By Glen Björnstrand

What comes to mind when you think about fairies? Most people envision playful sprites merrily prancing around in a grassy field, napping inside flowers, and singing songs of joy. However, according to the latest research, nearly 96% of all fairies now live inside Fairy Factory Farms (FFFs), where they live their short lives in misery and suffering. The corporations responsible for FFFs use their powerful marketing teams to warp the public perception of fairy farming, and for the most part, they have been eerily successful.

However, anonymous sources have provided us with a rare inside look at Fairy Factory Farms, and we would be remiss if we didn't share this information with the public. So how do everyone's favorite fairy products find their way from the fairy to the market? Allow us to take you on a harrowing journey into the process.

BREEDING

The number of wild fairies has dropped dramatically in the past thirty years as a result of over-poaching and destruction of habitat. In order to ensure a constant, steady supply of fairies, most FFFs utilize sophisticated breeding programs. Much as human slaves were bred for favorable traits such as strength and endurance, fairies are now ranked in a variety of categories, then bred (and often inbred) to increase the likelihood of favorable traits.

In the wild, fairies are generally very selective about whom they choose to reproduce with, often taking several months of searching before finding a worthy mate. Thus, when held in captivity and caged with unfavorable potential mates, most fairies react with fear and violence. This is the primary cause for the 40% fatality rate in the breeding program.

Furthermore, although the offspring of a “favorable pairing” often do possess the traits the scientists were hoping for, they are usually unhealthy and live short lives by fairy standards. Fairies bred for maximum pixie dust output often become so caked with the prized dust that their eyes and mouth are barely visible. This leads to constant infections, which in turn leads to weekly injections of antibiotics.

THE TUMBLERS

How is pixie dust extracted? In the early days of fairy farming, pixie dust was collected from flowers, much as bees extract pollen to make honey. However, the small volume available through this extraction method led to extremely high prices.

In order to ensure constant supply and low prices, today's FFFs collect pixie dust in a far more efficient and invasive manner. Fairies bred for pixie dust are placed in wooden drums (about the size of a keg of beer) called “tumblers.” The tumblers then spin on their axes to shake free the coveted pixie dust. As the dust collects on a screen, the fairies are battered mercilessly inside the tumbler. Most sprites do not survive more than ten of these sessions. Those that do are given “Grade A” status for future breeding.

THE WINGS OF INNOCENTS

Although fairy wings are not a particularly popular product in North America, the Asian market places a very high value on them. Much like the snake oil of yesteryear, fairy wings are claimed to be cures for a variety of ailments, including impotence, baldness, and even dysentery.

In order to meet this high demand, fairies imprisoned in FFFs are subjected to a rigorous “clipping” schedule. Since most varieties of fairies are able to regenerate their body parts, the average sprite is able to re-grow clipped wings every week. At which point they are clipped again.

The clipping process is not as non-intrusive as it may sound. In order to guarantee the largest possible volume, wings are actually yanked out by the root by trained workers. Whole wings are packaged for sale, while torn or damaged wings are ground into a powder to be sold at a reduced cost.

Fairies housed in the clipping shed are subjected to constant abuse as the vicious cycle of clipping and regenerating wings continues until the beings die from exhaustion or blood loss. Many clipping workers wear earplugs, presumably so that the screams of the fairies do not haunt their dreams.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

FFFs, like all companies, rely on consumer demand to keep their business afloat. By boycotting products originating from FFFs, you can help drive them out of business. If you do need to purchase a fairy-derived good, be sure to look for the Fairy Friendly® symbol on the package. While more expensive, these goods are acquired through non-intrusive means.

Remember, only you can help prevent unnecessary fairy deaths